New Year's Resolutions

Anybody have any they want to share?

My goal is to be able to retire. I'd like to buy a compound on the outskirts of a small town, preferably not in Maryland, so I can brag that I pay no taxes. But, just so I can consider it my right to bitch about the happenings in Salisbury, I want to buy a piece of property there and not pay taxes there either. I want to be able to complain about the water that the mayor buys, but I don't want to pay for water myself.

I'd like to invest in a big ass camera with so many buttons I won't know what to do with them. And just so I won't have to read my owner's manual, I think I'll invest in a friend to tell me how to use it. The camera will be a necessity to tell my story with pictures, because I really can't write worth a damn.

I will also add on to my new compound and install my own humidor full of cigars. I really don't want to stray far from my monster computer to go to the store and buy one. But in the event that I have to leave my house to get my newspaper or chase a fire, my goal is also to be able to choose from the many vehicles I will purchase this year.

I want to hire a team of lawyers to take care of defending me against my slanderous writings and stalking charges. Of course, they will also have to be able to take care of me when I press charges against anyone who wants to venture past my "no trespassing" sign.

I'd like to become the mayor, police chief and fire chief because Lord knows I can do their job better than they can. Oh, wait, I can't do that as I don't have a diploma. Maybe, I can buy a diploma? Yeah, that's it, I'll buy a diploma because I don't want to have to actually work for one.

Last, but not least, I'd like to find a woman who will allow me to leave the house whenever I want, even if it means abandoning them on Christmas Day to chase a fire that I hear about on my brand new scanner. Oh, never mind, I don't need the scanner. I just happen to come across most of these emergencies on my own.